The following is a fan-fiction written by shamblernaut for sideshowkaz on his stream on the 4th of April 2020, during quarantine. Let nobody doubt how strange people are for both requesting and watching this being written on stream... I love you guys :) The requested fanfic prompt: Ranger only wears what he needs to carry weapons in the style of old warriors that wouldn’t even wear a stitch of clothing... This upsets the monsters as ether by modesty or biology none of them show off anything dirty. Somehow the Ranger manages to win against all the monsters who consider him uncivilised Somewhere in a deep darkened foreboding cavern a number of strange monsterous creatures gather, speaking in their guttoral language strange inhuman sounds are emitted from their facial orifices. Here is their discussion: "Is there any other business?" The call went out and after a short while a rotting fetid creature raised his arm, there was a chunk of flesh in his hand as he raised it, as if he forgotten to put it down. "I... I have a concern" "Go ahead" replied the chair-monster. "So, the other day I was in a grizzly grotto with my compatriots, when some strange smooth skinned creature ran through, killing most of my kin. Luckily, I was only stunned and knocked down, so I did not lose my life." "Well this is nothing out of the ordinary" Replied the chair monster as his shaggy fur prickled with electricity. "Those monsters pass by all the time, unfortunately your kind is merely fodder for them" "No... You... You don't understand, I know they're common, but this one was different" "Different? How?" Queried the furry beast. "He somehow hypnotised us, I don't exactly recall how" "All I remember is seeing something swinging strangely from side to side, in some strange hypnotic motion" "Well this is quite the concerning development indeed" "I need my advisor!" "Aard the Wise, where are you?!" The call went out and moments later, an elongated flying snake-like creature emerged from the shadows. "I am hereee, mmmy liegeeee", wheased the creature asthmatically. "What have you heard of this smooth skinned creature" "Heeee isss indeeeeed smooth sssskinned and indeeeeed sssseeems to hypnotissse our kind" "Well then find somebody who has encountered him, somebody without eyes if that is how they're being hypnotised" "I heeeeear Noddy no-eyessss may haaaave encountered himmmm" "Then somebody fetch me Noddy, post-haste!" Some time later, crashing noises were heard, as if something was bumping into things, the noises became louder as Noddy arrived. Having already been informed of what he was being queried about, Noddy started speaking. "I saw him, well.... I mean.... I felt him, I swung my claws around trying to hit him, but only managed to scrape him before he was blown away by our pneumatic messaging system. Why did we make those pipes so big?" "But the strange thing was, I felt no armour, nor any clothing, it's as if he was wearing nothing at all." "Nothing?" Queried the chair-monster, his fur bristling with anger. "That's outrageous!" he exclaimed. "Wwwwhat offf a loin clottthhh?" asked Aard. "I felt nothing" growled Noddy. The chair-monster adjusted his top-hat for a moment, before responding. "Bring this creature to me, we must educate him in the ways of polite society" A significant time passed, and after much concern for his compatiots, a number of them returned, dragging a bloodied slipgate-warrior behind them. He was battered and bloodied, and was dragged onto a chair in front of the chair-monster. "Does he live?" asked the chair-monster. "Yesssss" said Aard. "Weee would havvvve done lessss damage, but weeee could not sssssseeeee where, weeee were sshhhhhoooting" Water was splashed over the slipgate warrior and his hiddeous-uncouth nakedness was covered with a sheet. "Who can speak this creatures language?" asked the chair-monster. A robotic voice from the back spoke up. "You there" he said, as he pointed to himself, indicating awkwardly that he spoke the creatures language. "Ask him why he dresses in such a manner unfit for civilised society" "You there" the robot said, pointing at the slipgate ranger, "Where clothes?" it then asked. Suprised, the slipgate soldier said. "I... I was dared by my fellow soldiers to go through the slipgate naked" "The outrage!, there must be a trial!" "Hear hear!" the crowd shouted in agreement. THE DAY OF THE TRIAL The slipgate-warrior had versed himself in the monster's constitution. He would represent himself in this matter. He was already fluent in monster-runes as he had taken a summer class while he was at university. "I refer to page 45, line 164, Which states: No creature, be they bi-pedal, tripedal, quadraped, or non-pedal may be discriminated against because their apperance." "And therefore, as I am bi-pedal, I move that this trial is dismissed as it is in contradiction with your own constitution." Time passed as the robot awkwardly translated this phrase into something that the chair-monster-cum-judge could understand. As the chair-monster-judge came to the realisation that it did indeed contravene the constitution. His fur on his face turned red, flushed with one can assume, blood. He roared "I will never concede that you may be unclothed in our society". "Therefore, although I must find in your favour due to our constitution, I will not allow you to live as you are indeed our sworn enemy. Die naked if you must." The chair-monster-judge raised his arms, electricity building and visibly arcing. For a moment the slipgate-warrior thought that the monster was going to try to electrocute him, but he slammed his gavel down and ordered that the slipgate warrior be given his weapons, they would duel. The slipgate warrior removed his sheet, took his shaft and wielded it in front of him. Before he would leave, he would discharge his shaft into this monsters face, he would see to it. The place was set, it was a pillared room with a strange gold key in the middle. It seemed like a fair place to have this duel. A number of walls lowered, this signified the start of the duel. The slipgate warrior dashed and darted around the place, deftly dodging claws, and lightning discharges. After many a long minute, the slipgate warrior emerged victorious, as a parting gift shooting his hot load into the face of the monster. He took a deep breath. He would do the same with the rest of these monsters before he left, he swung his hips from side to side. The eyes of the monsters that had been watching seemed to glaze over, hypnotised by his manhood. He picked up the top hat, placed it on his head, then started his cull with the monsters who were unaffected by his newly-found hypnotism. He smirked, it was going to be a fun day.